The Connected Parent: Building Confidence : Clever Parents

Does the answer, “Wrestling!” come to mind? Many of the confident, capable, courageous girls I know have families in which vigorous physical play is a tradition. It’s an unsung activity that is far more important to children’s development than we’ve guessed.

What advantage does wrestling and horseplay give our daughters? There are many reasons why it’s great for girls. (It’s wonderful for boys for the same reasons, but let’s focus here on girls, as they are socialized not to participate in this kind of play.)

Knowing their bodies and their strength gives girls a grounded confidence. We humans have faced many dangers in our evolution, and in order to feel confident in the world, we need to test and train our “equipment” intensively. Children need to tumble, jump and fling themselves into piles of pillows or into a waiting parent’s arms. They need to climb on their parents, ride on their backs and bounce on their tummies. Children need to playfully push grownups over, run from room to room, throw pillows hard, then harder. They love getting bounced around by the pillows that are thrown back. The more girls can play like this, the stronger they become, and the surer they are that they can handle a challenge.

This confidence develops over time. Having “wrestling time,” “puppy pile time” or “pillow fight time” on a regular basis gives girls a setting in which they can practice their moves, learn their capabilities, and become more daring in play. Parents create a kind of human gymnasium, providing just the right amount of resistance and challenge for each child. Little equipment is needed. With excess furniture moved aside, a bed, a carpet, maybe a blanket and a few pillows are all it takes. A parent might start on hands and knees, saying “I’ve got 100 kisses for you! Here I come!” with a grin. Then, a rousing game of catch and release ensues. The parent tries hard, but the clever girl gets away often, giggling in the struggle and the victory. The parent doesn’t tickle, but keeps doing what will bring laughter, a sign that the play is just right for her at that moment. Usually, what brings the laughter is the child winning the upper hand as they play. The girl wins most contests, and as her confidence builds, the parent challenges her a little more. Gradually, her stamina builds. Laughter pours. Perspiration blooms. And, over time, a confident girl emerges.

Laughter creates a path well worth following. As she plays, a girl will “show” you issues she has. If there’s name calling going on at her school, she’ll call you the names that are circulating there. You can up the ante in play when she does that: “Ooooh! Anyone who calls me “poo-poo head” gets a really big kiss on the foot!” She doesn’t want to insult you. She needs to see a playful version of someone sticking up for him or herself. Do it with vigorous affection, so she can laugh hard. The laughter dissolves her name calling compulsions (but not her eagerness for this kind of play with you). If she laughs when you say, “You can’t climb that sofa! You’re not strong enough!”, respond with great amazement when she clambers up the sofa back and stands there triumphant. Do it again, and again. The fun of surpassing your expectations makes her feel elated, and draws her closer to you.

She’ll get hurt, then recover and learn. In this kind of play, a girl will inevitably get hurt. There will be a bump, a bruise, a cut lip, or an unexpected collision. This is not a reason not to play hard! Especially with timid girls, these moments of pain and upset provide a prime opportunity to offload the fears that keep them confined to meek and unadventurous behavior. The bump occurs, the child bursts into tears, and the wise parent will go to her side, but will not make a fuss. You don’t need to run to get a band-aid. You don’t need to run for the ice. Your child needs your warm, confident attention while she processes what just happened. Her mind needs the chance to unload the fear that instantaneously shot through her system. The bump is small, but that fear may be big, and if it is, it will take her awhile to cry it through. When you’ve listened until she’s done crying, her mind will be free to make sense of what happened, and notice that she’s safe and well. She will have become sturdier. She’ll learn that her body is resilient, and that she has the power to heal. She’ll also learn that you care, and that you don’t panic when things feel hard for her.

For instance, you’ll want to be a very tame bucking bronco for the first five or ten rides for a timid girl. Jiggle her gently, so she succeeds in clinging to your back, or only slowly slides to the carpet. If she’s laughing with the challenge of hanging on tight, you’re playing the game right at the edge of her comfort zone. The laughter builds her strength and confidence. You don’t have to feel badly if she falls off once, and cries because her head thumped down on the carpet. She will benefit from a good cry in your care. As long as you listen until she is finished, she’ll play with less fear afterward.

She’ll feel closer to you, and more hopeful in your family. Wrestling and horseplay are great for helping children feel connected, creative, and seen. The attention you pay as you play seeps into their every pore. It bathes them with reassurance that they are liked. It lets you show your sense of humor with them. It gives them the chance to be swift and clever, while you suffer loudly in the slow and bumbling role. What a relief after long days at school or day care, where grownups are very serious about being in charge, and about knowing more than children!

So get some play fighting, pillow fighting, wrestling, chasing, thumping or bucking bronco riding going at your house. If it’s challenging for you, start with a timer set at five or ten minutes, so you can build your confidence and tolerance too. Start with the toss of a pillow, or perhaps the offer of a horseback ride. The play that follows will delight your daughter. Over time, it will bring her confidence, closeness, and a very handy sixth sense about people that will stand her in good stead as she decides how she wants to use her fine intelligence in our challenging world.

Here’s how it can work. (We wish we could guarantee these particular results after every pillow fight!)

I had been having trouble with my seven-year-old daughter’s pickiness and uncooperative behavior. She was becoming increasingly hard to live with at home—she had many complaints, and seemed to want to be upset at me at the drop of a hat. I brought this to my Hand in Hand support group, and the leader suggested that her sense of her own power might be dwindling, as it often does when girls get older. The thought was that girls get directed strongly toward reading and sedentary skills, and there are too few physical challenges to inspire them and remind them that they are good and powerful people.

So I have begun doing good hard pillow fights with my two daughters (the younger one is now three.) Yesterday, I had a nice and rough playtime with both of them. We fought and wrestled hard on the bed and the floor. After we were finished, they decided to go into their room and announced, “Don’t come in here!” Well, a couple minutes to myself cannot be argued with, right? About 20 minutes later they invited me in to see their hard work…a completely clean room (bed made, shoes in pairs, toys put away, the works)! I continue to be amazed by the power of a good pillow fight!

The Connected Parent: Building Confidence : Clever Parents

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